Interpersonal Effectiveness
Ask for what you need.
Care for the relationship.
Keep your self-respect.
Start with one question
What matters most in this conversation?
My goal
What am I asking for — or saying no to?
The relationship
How do I want to treat the other person?
My self-respect
What value or boundary do I want to keep?
You may care about all three. Choose the priority for this moment.
What is interpersonal effectiveness?
In DBT, these skills help you make requests, say no, navigate differences and maintain relationships and self-respect.
They cannot guarantee agreement. Another person’s response is not fully under your control.
Choose one skill
Open only what you need.
I need to ask or say no — DEAR MAN
D — Describe: give the relevant facts.
E — Express: explain your feelings or needs.
A — Assert: make a clear request or refusal.
R — Reinforce: explain the benefit.
M — Mindful: return to the main point.
A — Appear confident: communicate clearly.
N — Negotiate: consider workable alternatives.
A short example
“The TV is loud and I cannot follow our conversation. Could we turn it down? That would help me stay involved.”
You can write this, use communication aids, or ask someone to help you say it.
I want to care for the relationship — GIVE
G — Gentle: avoid attacks and threats.
I — Interested: attend to their perspective.
V — Validate: acknowledge what makes sense.
E — Easy manner: use a warm approach where appropriate.
“I understand you were looking forward to this. I still need to rest today.”
Validation is not agreement. Warmth does not require smiling, eye contact or hiding distress.
I need to keep my self-respect — FAST
F — Fair: consider yourself and the other person.
A — No unnecessary apologies: do not apologise for having needs.
S — Stick to values: protect what matters.
T — Truthful: be honest without exaggerating.
“I cannot do that today. I can help with a smaller part tomorrow.”
Apologise when you have caused harm. Having a limit does not itself require an apology.
Try one clear sentence
“When ______ happens, I need ______. Could we ______?”
You can keep it shorter:
“I need a pause. Can we come back to this later?”
If the conversation is getting harder
Pause if you can. Reduce noise or switch to writing.
Agree on a time to return when that is useful and safe.
You do not need perfect words before asking for help.
If they say no
You can ask about an alternative, repeat your boundary, or end the discussion.
Some needs require practical changes, professional support or formal accommodations.
A refusal does not automatically mean you used the skill badly.
Make it fit you
These are practical adaptations, separate from standard DBT skills.
A — Anxiety & Autonomic
Use a comfortable position and short conversations.
You can feel anxious and still make a clear request.
If physical symptoms increase, pause and use your symptom plan.
Autonomic Regulation →L — Laxity & Connective Tissue
Ask for seating, physical help or changes to a task.
You do not need to demonstrate pain to justify a limit.
“Could you carry this? I can do the lighter part.”
P — Pain & Bodily Sensitivity
Keep requests concrete during migraine or pain.
Try a prepared message when words are hard.
“I need quiet and dim light. Please text instead of calling.”
Rest →I — Immune & Inflammatory
Include energy and exposure limits in plans.
You can decline without giving a long explanation.
“I cannot manage that outing. Could we choose a shorter visit?”
Pace →M — Mood & Mental Health
Practise a request with someone you trust.
Validate feelings without giving up a boundary.
In unsafe relationships, prioritise safety and specialist support over persuasion.
Emotional Regulation →S — Sensory & Neurodevelopmental
Use writing, scripts, communication aids or a support person.
Allow extra processing time and one question at a time.
Clear communication does not require eye contact, a particular tone or suppressing stimming.
Communication →Good communication is shared work
These skills support your choices. They do not make you responsible for another person’s behaviour.
Boundaries and safety
You can say no to harmful behaviour. Negotiation does not require giving up safety or essential needs.
Skills are not a solution to coercion or abuse. Seek appropriate support when needed.
In Australia, call 000 for immediate danger.
1800RESPECT provides domestic, family and sexual violence support.
When professional support may help
A DBT-trained clinician can help with practice and adaptations. Communication or relationship support may also be useful.
Professional Care →Sources & further reading
Original plain-language summaries, not reproduced worksheets.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, second edition. Guilford Press.
- VA — DBT skills flash cards (PDF)
Educational information only. This page introduces skills; it is not a full DBT programme or personalised care.